yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
