im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
