Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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