It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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