So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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