Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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