True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
