when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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