Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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