I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
