I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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