I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
