just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
