can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
