Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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