...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
