We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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