nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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