My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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