everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
