I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
