just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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