I'm really into asian looking animals
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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