Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
