I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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