Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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