Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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