I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
