so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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