did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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