oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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