When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She's the barista slut.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
