U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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