I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
