The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
