highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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