Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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