I think I died a long time ago.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
