my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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