my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize