I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
