Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
