Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
