I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize