We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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