she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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