Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
