Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
