I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize