Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
