Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
