I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
