I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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