Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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