Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
