The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Enjoy the penises
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
