he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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