i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
