Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think my moral compass just broke
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