Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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