This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
