Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
