Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
